forgiveness

I simply cannot understand those who drink the poison of resentment rather than take the option of forgiveness. The energy required to maintain the anger required for so long, so many years, for reasons that have now faded into the background of life and have no place in the now....what commitment! Ah, that it could be put to good, and real, use.

Nine years is a looong long time to put out bad energy, misrepresentation and lies, and ego to maintain one's "rightness". What does "rightness" have to do with human living? We are all wrong. We are all right. It is not about the "me" in the picture. It is less about the "me" than it is about simple living, being, caring - if you can care. If you can love enough to know that people simply are who and what they are. And that no one spends their entire life thinking up ways to annoy another one human being. If this really does happen, if individuals really do DO this - I despair at their lives and feel nothing but pity for the waste...for the loss of good energy and connection and for the beautiful of all that is here - and there. Everywhere. Ego - we all have it - a wonderful self defense mechanism which allows us time to learn our lessons within a hard shell of protection - but that shell must be peeled off. Like a crustacean in a new skin - we simply must shuck off the bad feelings that we can - if we choose to - hold on to. How can we grow in understanding, in joy, in completeness if we refuse to allow ourselves to outlive our own skins of limitation? The feeling of suffocation must be pure unadulterated misery.

Nine years - to stand on a soap box full of judgment and criticism of people you have barely bothered to know. Easy to judge - much more difficult to love, encourage, support....to care. Compassion escapes your being the way a moth escapes its cocoon. Without thought, and without a backward glance. I fear for the very soul that cries and screams within you to be free. What price do you pay in the dead of night - do the soul crows flap at your subconscious in a vain attempt to waken you from the determined sleep you possess?

My compassion, at times, bends and threatens to snap. My own sense of self righteousness begs to be allowed to point finger and judge. I keep it leashed, at times, with huge effort - and with every fibre of my being I want to allow it out of its cage to meet yours head on. But the clash will reverberate within me down the years, the ages, the millenia - and I dare not allow that to be part of my world, my universe - the one I must continue to inhabit. So easy it would be - to play that game. My sense of empathy for all that is directed at me in judgment is tenuous - I have great difficulty understanding its reasoning or its reasons for existing. Does shame waken with you each morning? I sincerely hope that there is some sense of shame - as surely this must mean you do have a being, a soul. And in my darkest times, I sincerely doubt this. I swallow the doubt - better the doubt than the cup of poisoned resentment and judgment that will surely kill all that is worthy in me.

I must apologise to you. I simply will not give up myself for your ugly ideas of me.