An unexpected grieving.....

I am a late fan to Michael Jackson's work, I will admit it. OK - I'll admit even more - a "post-mortem" fan....and for that I am deeply ashamed. Michael was born a month before me, and I grew up with him in the background my life, ALL my life. Yes, I took him and his presence and his talent for granted....as so many of us did. Not the media though. It is as if they found fodder for their pent up frustrations and took ALL their opportunities to practise misuse of information, libel and dishonour of another human being, harrassment public and otherwise, critical personal judgement - all to see how far they could go, how far they could push him, and how much people would buy of their crap magazines and material if they convinced the world they were "onto something".

I can at least proudly say I watched these antics in disgust and disbelief - and accepted none of it. But I felt only vague sympathy for a man himself (or man-boy as I thought of him). Though he was an age cohort with whom I stepped through life on the planet side by side but never knew. When his death was announced I was deeply shocked and utterly surprised at my shock, and at the grief that followed. I began looking at his work, his life, his statements, his actions, his background, his family, the stories (old and new), and I felt nothing but shame. Shame for the actions of my generational cohort toward a beautifully gentle, caring, compassionate, humble man. A man with the most incredible talent in music, dance, and performance that has ever been witnessed.

I researched and watched his videos non stop in YouTube, Juice TV, MTV - you name it, I watched it. I studied the phenomenon that was Michael Jackson. I watched Martin Bashir's heinous series on his life and also viewed Michael's own video footage and interviews taken at the time and came to realise the huge injustice and cruelty done to the man and his children, in his own home, after taking someone in and trusting them. Yes, Michael was an imperfect being and made mistakes as we all do. No, he did not deserve the judgement, the Court cases, the persecution that was directed toward him. I struggle to understand why this would have happened but I suspect a number of factors came into play. Envy, resentment of his talent and income. Fodder for income and gossip for the media. Explaining changes nothing. I conclude now that none of it was necessary and I have nothing but admiration for a man who had seemingly managed to withstand such horrendous pressure and still come out at aged 50 to serve up to his fans and those who loved them a final performance farewell. Spookily and prophetically labelled "This Is It: The Final Curtain Call", by Michael himself. It was a series of shows, 50 over several months, which would have taxed someone half his age. That this man died of a heart attack at age 50 is not surprising. That he died probably as a result of medical misadventure and misguided trust in yet another human being, again not surprising. Eventually, Michael's determination to trust the wrong person was probably bound to kill him. What did NOT kill him was drug addiction, lack of physical fitness, and any kind of emotional or intellectual infirmity.

I watched "This is It" with absolute awe the first time round. I was so gobsmacked that I had to see it a second time because I missed so much just being stunned. I am sooo grateful to have had the great honour to see Michael, the 50 year old man, leave a legacy of normality, humility, compassion, good manners and respect for others, and utter and absolutely unbridled and unquestionable talent. His children can quite rightly through their lives, with true pride in their father who should still be here right now, strutting his stuff, and showing us all how to endure, and how to never give up, and to never believe in the dark and to always live toward the light. How to love people individually and collectively and unconditionally, how to love the planet and all that it stands for and our existence and reliance upon it. This was no drug addled, sick, and infirm human being. This was a 50 year old man in incredibly good shape for his age, drinking water only, in order to replace fluids lost during dance and singing - necessary to survival. And yes, I believe what this film showed me. Even his autopsy supports that and the fact that the only drugs in his system were those administered during his "anaesthetisation" by Dr Conrad Murray. Even as he conserved, as far as possible during rehearsals, his vocal and physical energy, Michael was able to demonstrate the moves and choreography for his dancers with ease - and they did him so proud. I feel nothing but sadness for those wonderful people who were to have shared a stage with him at last, to be robbed so cruelly of the experience of a lifetime. For all of us to have been robbed of that. Vocally and physically he was absolutely astounding. His musical direction of the band, again, demonstrated his amazing talent and instinct for the musical note, sound and space that is as necessary in a huge performance as it is on a CD for sale and play in a private home or vehicle or machine/stereo etc of choice. When his frustrations came to the fore slightly, his humility and fear of causing hurt was almost embarrassing - he was self effacing to an incredible degree....and he was totally sincere. The fact that this show never made a stage with Michael in it to deliver its brilliance is a shame and sadness that we all, as a total body of humanity on the planet right now, should share. I know I could not personally have stopped the humiliation and attacks that almost destroyed him. But I did not even try. I said nothing like so many. And in not trying, I feel culpable. I feel as if I let a "friend" down. I know that Michael was always likely to die at the hands of someone he trusted at some point in his life, and this was that point. But the fact that it is absolutely and completely wrong for him NOT to be here with me, with all of us, now until the end of his natural life.....that conviction will never leave me. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

But the fact that Michael is no doubt the greatest musical producer, performer, singer, and dancer/choreographer that has to date ever lived......? This statement I know to be absolutely Right. See that movie, and you will also know it to be true. I thank God that I was lucky enough to be on the planet with him at the same time. I feel truly honoured by that.

Michael Jackson, King of Pop. Love Lives Forever. You will always live on in our hearts, I promise.