intermittency

Is that a word? Unsure, but it works for me at present. I do experience "intermittency" as a lifestyle - if it can be described as such. Intermittently at peace, intermittently disturbed, intermittently depressed, intermittently insecure/secure/happy/content/angry. All these things I feel and experience - but intermittently. A part of my human condition, I feel.

I was struck deeply by the sight of a dead bird a few days ago. The sparrow had flown into an alcove outside the building I work in, possibly into the glass window covering the fire alarm system, and appears to have broken its neck. It is a sad and small sight, the sparrow, lying in that alcove alone. But it has escaped any fear now and has come full circle with its life cycle. I look forward to my circle completing, fully consumed at the moment by the exhaustion and the weight of life. I have no fear of its end, though I want to see my children "right" before it comes. Whatever that means...a biological or idealistic want?

I have felt helpless lately - and I know why. This does not lessen the sense of helplessness or give me any closure to the feelings. I understand the concept of "learned helplessness", and even understand the reasons I feel that way so often. Abuse in any form causes the low locus of control that equates to that sense of helplessness. A history of it in childhood certainly provides explanation, and the "control freak" tendencies that remain are a result of it - a desperate need to be in control of some aspect of our lives to push back the memories of being out of control and at the whim of another's violence and abuse. I have no sense of self-pity around it, just a "nodding" understanding. Understanding helps me to explain the sensations, but strangely does not lessen them. I have had hope, and faith, for some years that understanding may bring peace...but it has not as yet. I have now come to "accept" that life is meant to be hard, tough, unbending, challenging, painful, and in small moments, joyful. And that is a complete description of my experiences of life.

Someone wrote recently (and I do not remember the author) that life must have hope - otherwise, all we have is time. It is a truth that resonates in me - but I have no fear or resentment of time itself. It is simply a concept of the plane/t on which I live. We measure our lives in that way, we look back, we look forward, we experience the now in relation to our concepts of those times either forward or back. I spend little time looking back, my reactions to life and living relate enough to my history as it is and I tend to give it as little energy as possible. Equally, the future holds no mystery anymore, knowing as I do now that it both exists and does not exist. It simply is, and will be.

I wonder if this is what some describe as "mid-=life crisis". Surely not, as I am certainly well passed what could be termed as "mid life" unless, of course, I do live to 96 years of age....highly unlikely with my physical habits of smoking and drinking. Having said that, my oldest Aunt insisted on having a last cigarette rolled for her, about 5 minutes before she died at the age of 94. I sincerely hope that I do not live that long and, at my age now, I try to find a reason to live for more than another 10 years. What is my purpose on this earth to live any longer than now, when I feel as though I have already come full circle? I am tired...I have been tired for quite some time. But I trust that my circle will end as, and when, it should.

I also wonder if there are any more "peak" experiences to come in my life that justify my continued existence? I truly struggle to understand what else could possibly top the "peaks" of yesteryear. But I hold fast to a small hope that some more "peaks" are there for me to climb, experience, and hold fast to.

Meanwhile, I live with my "intermittency", as my life has come to represent. Another phase, another time, in one small life in an infinite universe.