It occurred to me a couple of days ago, on my way to work in peak hour traffic, that whilst I existed in time and space in my own world in my own car with my own thing going on....so did every other person in every other car. I suddenly wondered - what are THEY listening to so that the time is wisely used? Do they blank out and let their thoughts wander? Do they have a favourite radio station as I do, and do they sing and relive possibilities of music careers in their misspent youth as I do? Or do they plan their working day, rail against life, cry and miss someone special - or do they swear abuse at the slow moving line of petrol chuggers that they find themselves among? Today I wondered all of that before 8 a.m. Tonight, after 8 pm - I sit and feel pain. I find myself in a space that no longer exists - being overwhelmed by loss and sadness - and the memories of intentional pain and hurt directed toward me for whatever reason that was dreamed up and justified - by the people I loved and trusted most and was therefore most vulnerable to. Is this why, now, I find it impossible to let go and allow myself to be utterly open to someone else again? Not even my friends know all of me now - its a self protection borne of threats of abuse, actual abuse, rejection, and deep and abiding hurt and misery. Most days I overcome it and I win that battle and I enjoy my days of living and breathing.

But just sometimes, just some nights...........the pain overwhelms and the images and memories cannot be avoided. I wait. I let it take me. And I pray for absolution, forgiveness for whatever wrong of similar ilk I have done to others, and most of all I pray for reprieve from the pain. So far, I trust that one day my prayers will be answered. When I give up on trust and faith - I guess that will be when it is time. To stop. Breathing and Living. Kia kaha. Namaste.