First day of blog

It has been a strange and mixed up day......I discovered this site via a friend in Australia who discovered ANOTHER blog on this site by a man named "pohangina pete". His writing, and photography, inspired me to set one up also. Only god knows why. But perhaps....it is time to record my thoughts, feelings, desires - and all the self-absorbed and sometimes mindless stuff that we human types aspire to from time to time. Yep - a bit like an online diary. (exactly like an online diary, you dolt). OK - point taken.

Its been a day of loss and love - and relief and resolution. My eldest daughter - bipolar and spiking to the max - is out of control. Blowing her pay packet in a matter of hours, bringing home and sleeping with 2 different young guys in 3 days - and ensuring the rest of the household had to wake up to a strange and unwelcome (for most) presence. With no consideration or respect for others, she grandly stated that she had EVERY right to do what she wanted. Yes, you do, I said - but elsewhere, not here.

So I arrived home today, expecting a fight to the death - and prepared to stand my gr0und and (for the third and final time) turf her out. My youngest doesn't need this - I don't need this. Its hard, this single parenting of girls, with no help or support (but a whole heck of a LOT of judgement and criticism, eh?) - so the thought of being able to do the turfing and the dramatic "right, time we moved to smaller premises and cut the other one out of our lives" appealed, after savouring it all day. But she did the unexpected. (yea....don't make assumptions - ever..have you learned yet...?) The young man was gone (terrified, apparently, of me - kick boxing champ and all....), and she was contrite, apologetic, and afraid of going to work tomorrow after wagging a day and a half. But she is going, and she will take the consequences. Could it be that, at 21, she is growing up...learning....caring...? I dare to hope - though god only knows why. But I won't hope too hard - I know better. Because of course, the bipolar lows come next....

For now, I have a tomorrow with some hope, instead of sadness and loss and grief - again. Unexpectedly, my daughter has given that to me. For the very first time since she turned 15 and started to rapid cycle and have psychotic episodes. (yea, and you want to take some of the credit too, don't you - for hanging in there when her father couldn't and didn't...there is pride attached). Damn right there is! Like I said, it hasn't been easy. And it isn't going to get any easier. Only, please, let it not get any harder.....

I need to make my life more whole - more wholesome - for me. Time to plan for a future of my own. I do, after all, have a right to it - even if I AM old and getting grey and - at 47 - am single and probably going to stay that way. (right.....so where's the hope attached to THAT statement). Well, nobody's perfect.